Filling the "hole"

Filling the “hole”...

When Denny first passed away, there was a busy time with lots of people who were available with their hugs and condolences.  But as with all good things – that would end and life would resume to “normal”.  But for me there was no normal.  I had to create a new “normal”.  I had no idea what that would be or how it would look and feel.  To be quite honest --- I could have cared less about even creating a new normal but it has evolved with time.

The “hole” I speak of is that place in my heart (and soul) where Dennis filled me with unconditional love, comfort, support, encouragement and more.  With him the days of low esteem and no confidence had pretty much disappeared.  Life was good even with dementia (until the last year).  We made adjustments to living and denial became our constant companion.

With his death, that ‘hole’ was profound.  I wanted desperately to be held (as he would do)!  I wanted someone to tell me I was loved (as he would do)!  I wanted a constant companion (as he was)!  I was looking for someone to fill that spot.  It is at a time like this when widows and widowers could easily fall into the arms of an available friend for that void….to find out later it was not the answer.  For me there was no one to “hang on” or cling to.  Desperately in sorrow, I took an emotional path of darkness.  Emotionally I shut out others!  After all, I didn’t want them to know the depths of my sorrow.  I didn’t want to hear them give the cliché words of encouragement as they went home to husbands or boyfriends.  I knew I wasn’t the first woman to lose my husband.  I just wanted to deal with this alone.

I wanted to analyze my feelings.  I wanted to self -help my way through sorrow.  After all, I was an educated woman with a Master’s degree.  I could handle this privately!  Well as Dr. Phil would say, “How was that working for you?”  It didn’t!  It was an absolute disaster.  My grief was compounded by my closing out family and friends.  I couldn’t make myself go to church, social events or any activity that involved couples. 

The “hole” was certainly God’s plan – not mine!  With that “hole”, I was broken and searching.  I searched all the worldly resources and intellectual exchanges that should have helped.  God was smiling thinking to himself … “give her time!”  Without my dearly departed husband, the void that I felt could be filled by only one thing – FAITH – and one love – GOD!  Through Him, with Him and in Him are the answers to any of life’s challenges.  That profoundly new to my psyche because I thought Denny and I were the ones navigating life with our spiritual strength.  We were showing God how strong we were and how committed we were to each other, family and friends. 

Using a swimming metaphor, I will say that I swam very poorly when I met Dennis.  With him, I received the swim wings that would never let me drown.  Along with the wings, he was always by my side smiling.  When God took him to Heaven, my smiling husband was no longer in sight.  The little wings had sprung a leak.  I was floundering thinking I would drown for what seemed forever!  Then slowly I got control of the out of control movement and relaxed to find that I could float.  And soon I would learn to swim on my own!! 

Now 21 months later, embracing the path of faith is slowly "filling the hole”.  Relationships with family members and friends have been enriched by my desire to love, comfort, and support others.  With this outreach, I have found comfort and healing.  I can truly embrace the saying, “It’s not about ME!  It’s about YOU!”  I am a work in progress with the operable word being progress...and I am progressing in faith.

What It Means to Move On

What It Means to Move On

(Taken directly from my daily message from Grief Share)

Moving on does not mean . . .
• you forget the person.
• you never feel the pain of your loss.
• you believe that life is fair.

Moving on does mean . . .
• you experience a lessening of the pain.
• you can treasure your best memories of the person who has died.
•  you can realistically accept the different aspects of your loss.
• you can form new relationships, try new things.

Moving on also means . . .
• you grow in grace and in your walk with God.
• you accept your loss and forgive others.
• you understand that both joy and loss are a part of life.
• you believe that God is good, even when life isn't.

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete" (John15:11).

Holy God, sometimes moving on seems impossible. Continue to remind me that I cannot move on through my own strength, but only through an extension of Yours. Amen.

Looking Beyond the Past

Along with many other words of advise and counsel, I have heard it said that to drive down the street with your attention focused solely on the rear view mirror would be a disaster.  I now realize that with grief -- I have had a "death grip" on the past and what is lost regarding my life with Dennis.  A decision had to be made whether to stay in that grief, or move forward.  Moving on for me does not mean grief has suddenly disappeared.  It does however mean that I will use that past to build a "new" future.  [I have no idea what that means or how that will look but I know I must!]  

My prayer to the heavenly Father is...   

"Lord God, You are my only hope.  I do not want to forget the past, but I cannot live there any longer."

A series of events have taken me from the reclusive state of withdawing to a sincere desire to embrace community:    meaning family, church, neighbors, friends and total strangers.  

First, there was the Presbyterian Pilgrimage I attended on our wedding anniversary February 7th.  (No I am not Presbyterian but all Christians were welcome.)  I went into that weekend with only one thing in mind -- to find peace within myself and open myself to community (complete strangers).  I never expected the incredible experience of love in a community of Christians like I did that weekend.  I knew then the isolation "wall" was broken.  I cried like a baby all that weekend but they were more tears of joy and relief (that accompanied the sorrow). 

Then I opened myself to taking a Church History course to open myself once again to the teachings and history of my faith.  At that class, I met a soon-to-be new friend who invited me to attend the Grief Recovery sessions in evenings at the church. Even I wasn't keen on the idea, I told myself to keep moving forward in the community.  And in that first session, I left with an entirely new perspective.  I had met a young widow (only 29 with three small children).  I met a woman who lost her teenage daughter to cancer.  And then of course there widows like myself who were older and grieving the loss of our lifetime partner.  I have another friend outside this group whose daughter committed suicide due to bullying.  And the director of the Credit Recovery Program I work with lost his wife just recently from an unexpected  heart attack. Looking at my grief, I am reminded that I had 41 years of marriage and dated Dennis for seven years.  We had almost 50 years together and were able to see our children grown and grandchildren born.  We lived life to the fullest in that we were committed to one another and to whatever challenges were to come.  We were united in our faith and love for the Heavenly Father who in return provided us with the unconditional love that sustains a Christian marriage.

I have a lovely neighbor who reminds me of Betty White (personality, witt, humor and wisdom)! But when you live to be in your 80's - those are the gifts that we collect along the way (if we are blessed).  Dear sweet Beverly has been unrelentless in encouraging and nudging me to join in our community activities/events.  I was not going because I felt out of place.  She has helped me find a new perspective about our wonderful neighborhood community of active seniors.  With her insistance -- I have made myself attend events even when I wasn't so sure I wanted to be there.  I have learned to ask neighborhood friend's husbands to "save me a dance".  [Oh how I miss my dance partner -- "he was the best!"]  Now I am looking forward to our next event which is Cinco de Mayo.  I am meeting new friends and getting reacqainted with some from when Denny was with me.  

Our priest at church has been an incredible support.  I have gone to him on more than one occasion for over a year and told him how I struggled with going to church.  I think I went almost a year with only a hit and miss mass on occasion.  With losing Denny and then 13 months later my brother Milt (age 53 colon cancer), I wasn't sure I wanted to be in church anywhere.  Oh I assured Father James that I was in daily dialogue with our Lord but I wasn't comfortable visiting church.  I couldn't bare to see couples in the pews where Dennis and I sat together.  Father James listened with interest.  He did not chastise me for not being in regular attendance at mass but instead counseled me to readings, resources and prayers. And so it was the Saturday before holy week, I went to confession for the first time in years.  I knew I wanted to embrace holy week in the good graces of our Lord.  And guess who was hearing confessions?  My dear Father James! (Thank you Jesus)

I had plans to travel to Austin for Easter with Scott and his family.  While talking with Melissa, I asked what the plans were for Easter Sunday (so I would know what to pack).  She shocked me when she said we would all attend Catholic mass nearby.  (She and Scott do not attend the Catholic church so I assumed we would attend their church.  And folks this was a "God thing"... they had no idea what this meant to me.  Having family beside me at mass is a rare occasion."  By the way, the services at St Catherine's in Austin were a joy!)

Father James contacted me a week ago to look into starting a ministry at our church for caregivers and individuals facing the challenges of dementia.  Dennis attended these meetings at least five times a month throughout the Houston area and found them to be a great resource of caring and supportive individuals.  He had no idea (or maybe he did ..ha) that I had such a strong connection with this program.  So I have already recruited my co-partner (the lady I met at the Church history class "also a widow") to help with the organization and recruitment to get this in place for the fall.  When I called the Interfaith Care Partners office, it was such a joy when the lady said, "Oh Mrs. Shippey --- it is so good to hear from you.  How are you doing?"  I have created a brochure for recruitment and hope to find individuals to make this happen.  The need is GREAT!

And finally, I leave Wednesday to be part of the team of Planca Cha's (worker bees) who will be the behind the scenes workers who create an environment of love and support for the upcoming Presbyterian Pilgrimage #70.  My pilgrimage was HPP #69.  I wanted to be part of this program and give back to support this loving Christian experience for the next group of participants.  We are going to Palacios, Texas to the Baptist Encampment.  

Can't close out this blog with reminding you that I work 20 hours a week teaching high school dropouts.  I work Mon-Thurs 11-3:50.  It is one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever had.  These young adults give me more than I ever give them.  They teach me about myself.  Nothing is perfect but serving youth is a great way to reach way into the future past my days here on this earth.

I started this post with the title "Looking Beyond the Past" because I am finally starting to look forward.  Community and service have taken me outside my grief to rejoin the living.  In some sad way I think I was clinging to grief because I didn't want to let go of Denny ... but I now understand I can never lose him.  I still miss him and always will.  When I look into the eyes of our children and grandchildren, I am reminded of his love and I know he is with us. 

So here I am Lord.  I will continue to carry on our legacy of being good parents and grandparents.  And I will serve the community in any way I can to bring faith, hope and love to those who are in need.  I will serve you for the all the days of my life.  Amen 

Beyond Alzheimer's: New Focus for Writing

{Note:  today is my mother's birthday.  Orpha Lorraine Winters Moorman was born in 1932.  Thinking of her today puts a smile on my face.  We shared some difficult challenges but she taught me a great deal about life and survival.... RIP Mama}

It has been a few weeks since I wrote on this blog.  I seem to write less and less.  Not sure why that is happening but I think part of it is that I am more actively involved in life.  Writing for me has been and always be therapeutic.  It seems that when I put my thoughts in words (or at least attempt to) -- it validates what is happening and how I am handling various day-to-day challenges.  Even before Denny was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I would write my deepest thoughts and often share them with him by reading it aloud.  He would just smile and say I don't know how you put all that in words.  Always my sharing brought a hug and an understanding between the two of us that I was letting him "in" to the deepest thoughts of my heart.

Last Monday I attended a Grief Recovery group in our church.  Without sharing the specifics of the group share, I can tell you it was good for me.  It was, as I had guessed it would be, individuals sharing their feelings about grief.  Boxes of kleenexes circled the group!  Stories, emotions, support and encouragement were all part of the 90 minutes.  I spoke briefly about my sorrow but more important I listened.  Grief manifests itself in a wide variety of ways for individuals with varying ages, economics, education, etc.  But listening to grief (other than your own) can be (or at least was for me) an opportunity to set my own grief aside to think of another who was hurting.  I walked out with a renewed sense of purpose in putting my loss in perspective.  

One thing that was shared by the facilitator was "don't hurry so much to get to  Easter Sunday that you miss the pain, sorrow and suffering of Palm Sunday".  Seemed strange until she went on to explain that we should FEEL that sorrow so we could better appreciate the magnitude of the Resurrection.  And she shared seven different times in Jesus life that he was in sorrow and questioned.  The one I remember most vividly was, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  Questioning does not mean we don't believe....

Even before that Grief Recovery meeting, I had started reflecting more vividly on my relationship with God before Dennis illness and definitely before his death.  Oh I went to church and I believed.  I hate to say this but I think I was more of a "pew Catholic".  Before illness, our life was absolutely 'perfect' (at least in my heart).  We had successfully raised our two children and put them through college,  We both loved our careers and loved every minute we spent together.  "Too perfect" .. you might say.  And during these years, Dennis was always the most spiritual person I knew.  We prayed the Our Father each night before we went to sleep.  He was indeed the shoulder I leaned on and the pillar of strength and comfort when I needed him.

So it is no surprise that I would miss him terribly when the disease took all this away.  Then I was caring for the disease in honor of my dear husband.  I had a plan and did all I could to let him live life to the fullest for as long as possible.  The operative word is "I" -- interesting thought.  Well the word "I" was actually a "we" and I never gave it a thought.  It took some desperate times for me to realize it was we (God carrying me) so I could be there for Dennis.

Now I want you to hear me out!  I am beginning to believe that Dennis died first so I could have everlasting life.  Don't call me 'whacko' just look at it this way.  Dennis served the Lord faithfully.  His faith helped him serve others (not just me) for many years.  He was "right" with his Father!  He could easily hear, "Job well done, my child!"  With me that was not the case.

Without Denny, I now am left with nothing.  But wait a minute!  That's where I am wrong.  I have the Father's love and always have had it.  HE is my strength!  HE is my support!  He is the great comforter!  Now I am slowly cultivating that relationship with a new understanding.  When I embrace the love of God, I have a new sense of peace.  I have nothing to fear!  I can embrace life.  I am blessed to live every day fulfilling God's plan for my life.  As long as I serve others and continue God's work -- the healing will take care of itself.  

Dennis and our Lord are both looking down on me saying,  "Job well done!  You are learning as a child of God who you must serve and who you must put your trust in."  Dennis was my mentor and role model for Christian living.  Now the job is mine to carry on -- so I can have everlasting life.

"Heavenly Father, Into your hand I place my worries, cares and troubles.  Into your wisdome I place my path, my direction and my goal.  Into your love I place my LIFE!"

Eighteen Months Later

Here I am eighteen months after Denny's passing.  I have more good days than bad but the bad ones are my reminder of what was in the past.  Those memories and that unconditional love is what I miss.  But I am also reminded that just as I did when Denny was diagnosed with Alzheimer's -- I can't just look at what I have lost but what has been gained through these experiences and challenges.

As a couple I don't think we were ingenious in our planning for the future.  We were conservative with money and valued family, friends and educational opportunities more than "things".  I once told Denny he had put three people through college:  myself, Scott and Sondra.  On his watch, we all finished our college degrees (bachelor's and master's for me) with no student loans.  That was a huge financial committment but one that neither of us questioned.  At the time, we believed that education was our best investment for the future.

Now I sit in the future!  I have a passion for teaching.  In particular I love working with adults who have underestimated their intellectual abilities and the future that lies in front of them.  In the fall, I thought I would be tutoring at a high school nearby.  The funding fell through for that about the same time I needed to go stay with my brother during his final weeks.  So when I returned, I didn't know what I would do with my time.  I just tried to take it easy (maybe a little too easy).  What was different than in the past, I wasn't overly concerned about the future.  Financially I am comfortable so work for me is more of a gift.  So about 6 weeks ago, while at the movie theater, I get a call and message left to return the call.  That conversation led to me joining a staff who are dedicated to helping high school dropouts complete their high school diplomas. I share this because this chain of events is progress for me.  God had the plan and he put me where I needed to be when I needed to be there.

So in our planning to provide further education for our family, the purpose was that each of us would hopefully be able to work at something we enjoyed!  Passion for learning is part of it as well!  There is something about extending your knowledge (or in my case pulling out the 'old knowledge of math') and feeling part of something meaningful.

Our final big plan together was to build our retirement home!  We knew we wouldn't leave Texas permanently with our kids and grandkids here so we started looking at our options.  We looked at this community for active seniors and Dennis was convinced.  Me -- not so much!  (I didn't want to live with the old folks who were cranky and wouldn't like my grandkids around.)  Well I followed Denny's suggestion and we moved into our lovely home in January 2002.  Five months later Dennis got the diagnosis of Alzheimer's with life expectancy about ten years.  Wham!  What a slap in the face that was!  I was absolutely frozen in fear that I wouldn't be able to stay in this home (financially).  Well, here I am and I know God had a hand in this decision with Dennis.  I couldn't be in a better environment!!  There are no words to describe this community.  It is NOT the house that impresses me so (because it is just a house) but the community makes this a special place to be.  As a widow, I find comfort in the sharing, caring, suppporting and giving personalities that make up this area of 400+ homes.

I have nothing to complain about!  I am financially stable and in a protected secure environment.  I have two wonderful kids and five grandkids who are special in every way!  I love watching their lives evolve and the stages of parenting that come with each age group!  I am hopeful that I will be here to continue being an important part of all their lives for years to come.

But friends and family.. it is lonely at times.. and the sadness comes not in wanting Dennis back with that dreadful disease but a sadness that is my loss of support, encouragement and unconditional love that comes with an investment of years as a married couple committed to one another.  It is my time of being self-centered and thinking of my needs.  But never fear!  I don't allow those times to last long.  With my own perseverence or sometimes the help of a friend --  "I put on my big girl panties and 'suck it up'"!!

I will spend the rest of my life honoring the memory of my loving husband and I will continue to remember that life is for living!  I must move forward in friendships and activities that keep me actively engaged with the wonderful people who appear in my life.  I must and I will remain open to writing a new future!  Just not in any rush.....  As Denny would always say to me, "oh Lin don't worry about all this -- it will work itself out." I was always the serious one and he knew how to relax and enjoy life. It's time I remember how he did it with such ease.

Blessings to all who have shared in my thoughts today.

When the Bottom Falls Out

I started this blog in October.  I was with my brother, Milt who was dying from colon cancer.  And I was still grieving silently for my husband who died one year earlier.  I used the title "What I have learned about faith, hope, love and Alzheimer's because the previous ten years -- Dennis and I lived with a diagnosis and symptoms of Alzheimer's.  In a phone conference with the research team at the Sports Legacy Institute, we received word that Dennis did not have Alzheimer's but instead a trauma induced injury that caused his dementia.  Relieved as I was to be given the final word on his autopsy, there will of course never be answers to the questions: what, when, how and where.  Nor does it matter!  God called him home.

Here I sit 18 months after Denny's passing trying to fake a recovery from  extreme grief and loss.  It is my hope that in sharing these thoughts, I can get them out of my head.  I am tormented by the loneliness and loss of the most important person in my life.  I go to great lengths to deny the torment and indeed it has numbed a bit.  The piercing sorrow does not have the cutting edge a knife but it delivers a pain that is undeniable.

During the months since Milt's pass (early December), I have returned home to celebrate Christmas with our children and grandchildren.  And I must admit it was without a doubt a joyous time.  We created memories and it felt good to have laughter in the home that Dennis and I started in Feb 1970.  Every day since his passing, I have been keenly aware that the closest I will ever feel to Dennis is when I look into the eyes of our children.  That gives me great joy!

But after the festivities of the holidays, there is a calm and quiet that is "empty".  It was during that time that I denied sorrow and started burying myself in hours on my IPad with friends on facebook or Words with Friends.  Along with the IPad, I maintained a steady flow of comfort foods.  I ate what I wanted when I wanted.  All seemed harmless enough.  After all -- who was I hurting.  And to the comfort I find in food, I can say with great shame that I have gained almost 20 pounds in 18 months.  Food has become my drug of choice.  And in that moment when I swallow 'the drug' it feels good.  It is satisfying.

A few weeks ago, I went on a weekend retreat- a Presbyterian Pilgrimage.  The pilgrimage is much like the Catholic Cursillo and in fact that is where it all started.  When I heard about the pilgrimage and discovered I did not have to be Presbyterian, I jumped at the opportunity to go on a retreat.  My prayer was that it would help me move forward to understanding what the rest of my life is meant to be.  "Why am I still here and Dennis is gone?"

Well the weekend retreat was phenominal but I didn't get the answers I went looking for.  Instead I found a Christian community filled with love and acceptance for complete strangers.  I didn't think it was possible to feel that much love with strangers but it was there!  It was real!  I explain it as choirs of angels celebrating and proclaiming God's love.  When I closed my eyes and took it all in -- I could only smile thinking how great it must be to be in Heaven.  The faces weren't important it was the love and the overwhelming joy that prevailed.  Before you cast this off as religious fanaticism, I assure you this isn't any 'holy roller' church revival tent experience (attended  those as a kid).  The result of so much love was that I didn't want to lose it.  I didn't want to walk away from that environment.  I was learning something about myself.

When I speak of the 'bottom falling out', it is that drastic drop to sorrow that hits me like a bolt of lightening out of nowhere.  Youngest granddaughter spent the night last night and it was so much fun just cuddling with this sweet child and playing our little games.  Then I went to watch the youngest grandson play basketball.  Watching 7 year olds play 'basketball' is quite a treat.  One can't help but smile.  After all that I went to see a movie (comedy) and laughed at the silly humor in a crowded theater.  But it was the drive home that sorrow suddenly reared it ugly head.  It made me angry!  Oh how I wish I could just scream, and hit, and throw things to get past this helpless feeling.  Damn it makes me mad!

Why Denny?  Why not me?  I will never know for sure but I think I am starting to understand just a bit.  You see as a child separated from parents, I hid my pain and feelings of abandonment by loving on and caring for my little brother who needed me.  Also I worked very hard to please those who were my caregivers during those formative years as a youngster.  I became a master at being a 'people pleaser'.  When my mother remarried and we were united, I had a stepfather (who later adopted us).  I certainly wanted him to love me so I did everything I was asked so he would never leave.

Then my folks had their first child together.  I became withdrawn and solemn once again.  It made me sad to think they had a child together and that he would be loved more than me.  Then a couple years later a little sister came.  along.  Both parents had to work.  Dad worked days...mom worked nights.  I became the caregiver once again.  The one thing I knew how to do was love and care for others.

It wasn't until high school that I met someone who treated me with great respect and became my friend.  Denny and I were just best friends.  As one of my high school friends said at our 40th reunion --"When you latched on to Dennis, you never let go."  She was right!  He made me feel special.  Anyone who knew him, knew he was a serious athlete!  Swimming was his passion and love.  I was just his friend who was always there when he wanted a date to go somewhere.  I felt safe with him.  I saw in him early the traits of a good person who treated others with respect and dignity.  He never said anything bad about anyone.  And no matter what he accomplished -- he was humble.  Most important he was a person of faith.  We spent countless hours sharing our beliefs and our faith in God.

So when I speak of the bottom falling out -- that is what happened when Denny passed away.  For 7 years of dating and 41 years of marriage, I felt unconditional love.  I had a caregiver who loved me and stood by me even during the toughest of times.  Never once did I believe he was walking away.  Never once did I have any reason to doubt his love.  And I will fully admit, 'he spoiled me'.  And I remember a teacher friend saying to me years back, "you are the only woman I know who has never said anything bad about your husband."  To that comment I responded -- there was nothing bad ever to say.

For me the bottom falling out is losing Denny's comfort, support, encouragement and love.  I lost my life partner and only true caregiver!  What I am left with is a broken mess.  I am starting to believe that I am still here because God is giving me time----!!!!!  Time to learn to love myself.  Throughout life I have always been able to love others and love God. I hope I have comforted others, supported others, encouraged others and been loyal to my friends and family along the way. In return I know with some certainty there are others who love me just as I am but I have NOT learned to love myself.  God is giving me time.

My fetish with food and my self-loathing are destructive patterns that are symptoms of much work to be done.  Dr. Phil would say, "you can't fix what you don't own" or something like that.  Oh and "how is that all working for you?"  Thank you Jesus for this time.  Grieving is complicated on many levels.  I have more good days than bad.  And one of my challenges is not to OVERTHINK things and reflect on lessons to be learned.

For now I am here!  Writing is therapeutic for me.  If none of this makes sense to anyone but me -- well I understand because I am not sure it all makes sense to me.  But I know that when I take time to throw my raw emotion in words, it releases some of the silent sorrow that still lives deep in my heart.  I don't worry what others might think reading this, if you took time to read all of this, you either care about me or my family so you will know I am okay.  Today was one of those days when the bottom fell out ... but tomorrow is a new day.  I am blessed.

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Sometimes

Sometimes God breaks our spirit to save our soul.

Sometimes He breaks our heart to make us whole.

Sometimes God allows pain so we can be stronger.

Sometimes God sends us failure so we can be humble.

Sometimes God allows illness so we can take better care of ourselves.

Sometimes God takes everything away from us 

so we can learn the value of everything He gave us.

--unknown

Decisions Make a Difference

There are many decisions married couples make that seem to be only concerned with the immediate future.  When in reality many of those decisions will mark the cornerstone for the future.

In 1976, Dennis had the opportunity to move to Texas and become a swim coach once again.  He had been unable to find teaching/coaching positions after finishing his masters degree.  So when this invitation to interview came -- he asked me to go with him for the trip.  He wanted to make sure I would be happy with the place before accepting any job.  In a step of faith, I just told him it wasn't necessary for me to travel with him.  What was important at that time was knowing that my husband had a job he loved.  As his wife, I was ready to follow him to "the moon and back" if it would be something to make him happy.

Well he flew to Pasadena, Texas and the rest is history.  He loved the people.  His voice was full of excitement and enthusiasm for a hopeful future doing the one thing he loved most - coaching.  When he asked me what I thought, I said, "Sign the contract and find us a place to live before you leave there."
That was in May.  We packed up our two youngsters, a boat and two vehicles and made the trip to a new life -- a new future.  As we left our home town and families, there wasn't a dry eye.  This was a huge separation from our families.

Shortly after moving to Pasadena, we started looking for a home (we were in apartment).  We found a cute little house (and I thought this is perfect for a few years then we can return back to Iowa).  Once settled in the new house, it became apparent that the Coach was much loved and in great demand.  Here I was with the little ones -- alone, lonely and desperately homesick.  After mumbling about being homesick non-stop, Dennis encouraged me to attend San Jacinto College ($4 per sem hr).  He said it would get me out and help me meet people.  I would go to school in the daytime while the kids were in school.

I got started and it was indeed inspiring and I did meet many individuals who were working to improve their future.  After four semesters at San Jac, I was burnt out!  I wanted to quit.  I was overwhelmed with being mom, wife and student.  Dennis was the one who listened quietly then gave me his reassuring talk, "Don't quit Lin.  You are taking 18 hrs each semester and it is way too much.  Just back off to 12 hrs.  Give yourself some relief but don't QUIT."  He went on to say he didn't care if I ever taught a day in my life but it would be good to finish the Bachelor's degree (with elementary teaching certification) so I would always have it to fall back on.

That next semester I transferred on to UH/CLC and went on to finish that teaching degree.  In 1982, I accepted my first teaching position as a math teacher in Intermediate school.  I absolutely loved my job.  I have told my students many times -- "Find a career that brings out your passion."  (Even now at age 65, I can honestly say I drove to work each morning feeling so fortunate that I would be doing what I love most - teaching.  That leaves it to your imagination that I just loved working with youth.)

Then in 1990, when our son left for college, I went back to get my master's degree.  Dennis was so encouraging.  His words were.."go get your master's and I will take care of things here at the house."  Fortunately for me that became my path to a Master's in Education with Supervision and Mid-Management certification.  An incredible journey of support, encouragement, mentoring and love made it possible for this homesick "girl" from Iowa to fulfill her dreams in the field of education.

In 2001, Dennis and I started looking for a retirement home.  We looked for about six months before making the decision to move to Bella Vita (a gated community for active seniors).  I wasn't keen on the idea. Afterall we would be moving in with the "older folks".  Once again, after many conversations, I relented to his suggestion that this would be the best place for us in our "golden years".  We live one block from a club house (with ballroom, fitness center, computer center, swimming pool and lake).

After about 6 months of moving in, we got the diagnosis of Alzheimer's for Dennis.  Our future shattered in just a few difficult words that brought no cure and no hope beyond ten years.  Denial worked well for both of us for at least five years -- and if you have read my blog, you know the rest.

This post is about decisions made by my husband who I trusted and respected always.  They were decisions we made together but I was hesitant -- following in faith.  Now that I am facing life as his widow, I can embrace the fact that our move to Texas was absolutely the right choice for all of us.  This homesick Iowa girl would never have gone on to get the college education had it not been for the move.

Now my time here in Bella Vita is different without my husband but it is a community of support and encouragement.  There is always someone to talk to and someone who relates.  It is just a matter of stepping out the door and attending the wide variety of activities or walking on the lake to see neighbors.

Dennis was a huge part of my educational accomplishments.  Now that education has been exponentially important as I work through the grieving process continuing to help others and serving the students of Pasadena ISD.  Our school district has become my professional family and their support is priceless.

Our decision to move to Bella Vita has been much more than a home and beautiful surroundings. Living in Bella Vita gives me the community experience that I need to face these years ahead.

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My absence from blogging has been directly influenced by the past few weeks of "missing Denny".  I have been in some dark places with days I didn't even want to get out of bed.  Finally, I am back to proclaiming how blessed I really am.  I am embarrassed and a bit ashamed that I fall in these moods still but I know what it takes "to pull myself back up".  

If you are reading this blog, "Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  You are standing in good company with Dennis who is always steadfast in his support."