When the Bottom Falls Out

I started this blog in October.  I was with my brother, Milt who was dying from colon cancer.  And I was still grieving silently for my husband who died one year earlier.  I used the title "What I have learned about faith, hope, love and Alzheimer's because the previous ten years -- Dennis and I lived with a diagnosis and symptoms of Alzheimer's.  In a phone conference with the research team at the Sports Legacy Institute, we received word that Dennis did not have Alzheimer's but instead a trauma induced injury that caused his dementia.  Relieved as I was to be given the final word on his autopsy, there will of course never be answers to the questions: what, when, how and where.  Nor does it matter!  God called him home.

Here I sit 18 months after Denny's passing trying to fake a recovery from  extreme grief and loss.  It is my hope that in sharing these thoughts, I can get them out of my head.  I am tormented by the loneliness and loss of the most important person in my life.  I go to great lengths to deny the torment and indeed it has numbed a bit.  The piercing sorrow does not have the cutting edge a knife but it delivers a pain that is undeniable.

During the months since Milt's pass (early December), I have returned home to celebrate Christmas with our children and grandchildren.  And I must admit it was without a doubt a joyous time.  We created memories and it felt good to have laughter in the home that Dennis and I started in Feb 1970.  Every day since his passing, I have been keenly aware that the closest I will ever feel to Dennis is when I look into the eyes of our children.  That gives me great joy!

But after the festivities of the holidays, there is a calm and quiet that is "empty".  It was during that time that I denied sorrow and started burying myself in hours on my IPad with friends on facebook or Words with Friends.  Along with the IPad, I maintained a steady flow of comfort foods.  I ate what I wanted when I wanted.  All seemed harmless enough.  After all -- who was I hurting.  And to the comfort I find in food, I can say with great shame that I have gained almost 20 pounds in 18 months.  Food has become my drug of choice.  And in that moment when I swallow 'the drug' it feels good.  It is satisfying.

A few weeks ago, I went on a weekend retreat- a Presbyterian Pilgrimage.  The pilgrimage is much like the Catholic Cursillo and in fact that is where it all started.  When I heard about the pilgrimage and discovered I did not have to be Presbyterian, I jumped at the opportunity to go on a retreat.  My prayer was that it would help me move forward to understanding what the rest of my life is meant to be.  "Why am I still here and Dennis is gone?"

Well the weekend retreat was phenominal but I didn't get the answers I went looking for.  Instead I found a Christian community filled with love and acceptance for complete strangers.  I didn't think it was possible to feel that much love with strangers but it was there!  It was real!  I explain it as choirs of angels celebrating and proclaiming God's love.  When I closed my eyes and took it all in -- I could only smile thinking how great it must be to be in Heaven.  The faces weren't important it was the love and the overwhelming joy that prevailed.  Before you cast this off as religious fanaticism, I assure you this isn't any 'holy roller' church revival tent experience (attended  those as a kid).  The result of so much love was that I didn't want to lose it.  I didn't want to walk away from that environment.  I was learning something about myself.

When I speak of the 'bottom falling out', it is that drastic drop to sorrow that hits me like a bolt of lightening out of nowhere.  Youngest granddaughter spent the night last night and it was so much fun just cuddling with this sweet child and playing our little games.  Then I went to watch the youngest grandson play basketball.  Watching 7 year olds play 'basketball' is quite a treat.  One can't help but smile.  After all that I went to see a movie (comedy) and laughed at the silly humor in a crowded theater.  But it was the drive home that sorrow suddenly reared it ugly head.  It made me angry!  Oh how I wish I could just scream, and hit, and throw things to get past this helpless feeling.  Damn it makes me mad!

Why Denny?  Why not me?  I will never know for sure but I think I am starting to understand just a bit.  You see as a child separated from parents, I hid my pain and feelings of abandonment by loving on and caring for my little brother who needed me.  Also I worked very hard to please those who were my caregivers during those formative years as a youngster.  I became a master at being a 'people pleaser'.  When my mother remarried and we were united, I had a stepfather (who later adopted us).  I certainly wanted him to love me so I did everything I was asked so he would never leave.

Then my folks had their first child together.  I became withdrawn and solemn once again.  It made me sad to think they had a child together and that he would be loved more than me.  Then a couple years later a little sister came.  along.  Both parents had to work.  Dad worked days...mom worked nights.  I became the caregiver once again.  The one thing I knew how to do was love and care for others.

It wasn't until high school that I met someone who treated me with great respect and became my friend.  Denny and I were just best friends.  As one of my high school friends said at our 40th reunion --"When you latched on to Dennis, you never let go."  She was right!  He made me feel special.  Anyone who knew him, knew he was a serious athlete!  Swimming was his passion and love.  I was just his friend who was always there when he wanted a date to go somewhere.  I felt safe with him.  I saw in him early the traits of a good person who treated others with respect and dignity.  He never said anything bad about anyone.  And no matter what he accomplished -- he was humble.  Most important he was a person of faith.  We spent countless hours sharing our beliefs and our faith in God.

So when I speak of the bottom falling out -- that is what happened when Denny passed away.  For 7 years of dating and 41 years of marriage, I felt unconditional love.  I had a caregiver who loved me and stood by me even during the toughest of times.  Never once did I believe he was walking away.  Never once did I have any reason to doubt his love.  And I will fully admit, 'he spoiled me'.  And I remember a teacher friend saying to me years back, "you are the only woman I know who has never said anything bad about your husband."  To that comment I responded -- there was nothing bad ever to say.

For me the bottom falling out is losing Denny's comfort, support, encouragement and love.  I lost my life partner and only true caregiver!  What I am left with is a broken mess.  I am starting to believe that I am still here because God is giving me time----!!!!!  Time to learn to love myself.  Throughout life I have always been able to love others and love God. I hope I have comforted others, supported others, encouraged others and been loyal to my friends and family along the way. In return I know with some certainty there are others who love me just as I am but I have NOT learned to love myself.  God is giving me time.

My fetish with food and my self-loathing are destructive patterns that are symptoms of much work to be done.  Dr. Phil would say, "you can't fix what you don't own" or something like that.  Oh and "how is that all working for you?"  Thank you Jesus for this time.  Grieving is complicated on many levels.  I have more good days than bad.  And one of my challenges is not to OVERTHINK things and reflect on lessons to be learned.

For now I am here!  Writing is therapeutic for me.  If none of this makes sense to anyone but me -- well I understand because I am not sure it all makes sense to me.  But I know that when I take time to throw my raw emotion in words, it releases some of the silent sorrow that still lives deep in my heart.  I don't worry what others might think reading this, if you took time to read all of this, you either care about me or my family so you will know I am okay.  Today was one of those days when the bottom fell out ... but tomorrow is a new day.  I am blessed.

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Sometimes

Sometimes God breaks our spirit to save our soul.

Sometimes He breaks our heart to make us whole.

Sometimes God allows pain so we can be stronger.

Sometimes God sends us failure so we can be humble.

Sometimes God allows illness so we can take better care of ourselves.

Sometimes God takes everything away from us 

so we can learn the value of everything He gave us.

--unknown

Decisions Make a Difference

There are many decisions married couples make that seem to be only concerned with the immediate future.  When in reality many of those decisions will mark the cornerstone for the future.

In 1976, Dennis had the opportunity to move to Texas and become a swim coach once again.  He had been unable to find teaching/coaching positions after finishing his masters degree.  So when this invitation to interview came -- he asked me to go with him for the trip.  He wanted to make sure I would be happy with the place before accepting any job.  In a step of faith, I just told him it wasn't necessary for me to travel with him.  What was important at that time was knowing that my husband had a job he loved.  As his wife, I was ready to follow him to "the moon and back" if it would be something to make him happy.

Well he flew to Pasadena, Texas and the rest is history.  He loved the people.  His voice was full of excitement and enthusiasm for a hopeful future doing the one thing he loved most - coaching.  When he asked me what I thought, I said, "Sign the contract and find us a place to live before you leave there."
That was in May.  We packed up our two youngsters, a boat and two vehicles and made the trip to a new life -- a new future.  As we left our home town and families, there wasn't a dry eye.  This was a huge separation from our families.

Shortly after moving to Pasadena, we started looking for a home (we were in apartment).  We found a cute little house (and I thought this is perfect for a few years then we can return back to Iowa).  Once settled in the new house, it became apparent that the Coach was much loved and in great demand.  Here I was with the little ones -- alone, lonely and desperately homesick.  After mumbling about being homesick non-stop, Dennis encouraged me to attend San Jacinto College ($4 per sem hr).  He said it would get me out and help me meet people.  I would go to school in the daytime while the kids were in school.

I got started and it was indeed inspiring and I did meet many individuals who were working to improve their future.  After four semesters at San Jac, I was burnt out!  I wanted to quit.  I was overwhelmed with being mom, wife and student.  Dennis was the one who listened quietly then gave me his reassuring talk, "Don't quit Lin.  You are taking 18 hrs each semester and it is way too much.  Just back off to 12 hrs.  Give yourself some relief but don't QUIT."  He went on to say he didn't care if I ever taught a day in my life but it would be good to finish the Bachelor's degree (with elementary teaching certification) so I would always have it to fall back on.

That next semester I transferred on to UH/CLC and went on to finish that teaching degree.  In 1982, I accepted my first teaching position as a math teacher in Intermediate school.  I absolutely loved my job.  I have told my students many times -- "Find a career that brings out your passion."  (Even now at age 65, I can honestly say I drove to work each morning feeling so fortunate that I would be doing what I love most - teaching.  That leaves it to your imagination that I just loved working with youth.)

Then in 1990, when our son left for college, I went back to get my master's degree.  Dennis was so encouraging.  His words were.."go get your master's and I will take care of things here at the house."  Fortunately for me that became my path to a Master's in Education with Supervision and Mid-Management certification.  An incredible journey of support, encouragement, mentoring and love made it possible for this homesick "girl" from Iowa to fulfill her dreams in the field of education.

In 2001, Dennis and I started looking for a retirement home.  We looked for about six months before making the decision to move to Bella Vita (a gated community for active seniors).  I wasn't keen on the idea. Afterall we would be moving in with the "older folks".  Once again, after many conversations, I relented to his suggestion that this would be the best place for us in our "golden years".  We live one block from a club house (with ballroom, fitness center, computer center, swimming pool and lake).

After about 6 months of moving in, we got the diagnosis of Alzheimer's for Dennis.  Our future shattered in just a few difficult words that brought no cure and no hope beyond ten years.  Denial worked well for both of us for at least five years -- and if you have read my blog, you know the rest.

This post is about decisions made by my husband who I trusted and respected always.  They were decisions we made together but I was hesitant -- following in faith.  Now that I am facing life as his widow, I can embrace the fact that our move to Texas was absolutely the right choice for all of us.  This homesick Iowa girl would never have gone on to get the college education had it not been for the move.

Now my time here in Bella Vita is different without my husband but it is a community of support and encouragement.  There is always someone to talk to and someone who relates.  It is just a matter of stepping out the door and attending the wide variety of activities or walking on the lake to see neighbors.

Dennis was a huge part of my educational accomplishments.  Now that education has been exponentially important as I work through the grieving process continuing to help others and serving the students of Pasadena ISD.  Our school district has become my professional family and their support is priceless.

Our decision to move to Bella Vita has been much more than a home and beautiful surroundings. Living in Bella Vita gives me the community experience that I need to face these years ahead.

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My absence from blogging has been directly influenced by the past few weeks of "missing Denny".  I have been in some dark places with days I didn't even want to get out of bed.  Finally, I am back to proclaiming how blessed I really am.  I am embarrassed and a bit ashamed that I fall in these moods still but I know what it takes "to pull myself back up".  

If you are reading this blog, "Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  You are standing in good company with Dennis who is always steadfast in his support."