Beyond Alzheimer's: New Focus for Writing

{Note:  today is my mother's birthday.  Orpha Lorraine Winters Moorman was born in 1932.  Thinking of her today puts a smile on my face.  We shared some difficult challenges but she taught me a great deal about life and survival.... RIP Mama}

It has been a few weeks since I wrote on this blog.  I seem to write less and less.  Not sure why that is happening but I think part of it is that I am more actively involved in life.  Writing for me has been and always be therapeutic.  It seems that when I put my thoughts in words (or at least attempt to) -- it validates what is happening and how I am handling various day-to-day challenges.  Even before Denny was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I would write my deepest thoughts and often share them with him by reading it aloud.  He would just smile and say I don't know how you put all that in words.  Always my sharing brought a hug and an understanding between the two of us that I was letting him "in" to the deepest thoughts of my heart.

Last Monday I attended a Grief Recovery group in our church.  Without sharing the specifics of the group share, I can tell you it was good for me.  It was, as I had guessed it would be, individuals sharing their feelings about grief.  Boxes of kleenexes circled the group!  Stories, emotions, support and encouragement were all part of the 90 minutes.  I spoke briefly about my sorrow but more important I listened.  Grief manifests itself in a wide variety of ways for individuals with varying ages, economics, education, etc.  But listening to grief (other than your own) can be (or at least was for me) an opportunity to set my own grief aside to think of another who was hurting.  I walked out with a renewed sense of purpose in putting my loss in perspective.  

One thing that was shared by the facilitator was "don't hurry so much to get to  Easter Sunday that you miss the pain, sorrow and suffering of Palm Sunday".  Seemed strange until she went on to explain that we should FEEL that sorrow so we could better appreciate the magnitude of the Resurrection.  And she shared seven different times in Jesus life that he was in sorrow and questioned.  The one I remember most vividly was, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  Questioning does not mean we don't believe....

Even before that Grief Recovery meeting, I had started reflecting more vividly on my relationship with God before Dennis illness and definitely before his death.  Oh I went to church and I believed.  I hate to say this but I think I was more of a "pew Catholic".  Before illness, our life was absolutely 'perfect' (at least in my heart).  We had successfully raised our two children and put them through college,  We both loved our careers and loved every minute we spent together.  "Too perfect" .. you might say.  And during these years, Dennis was always the most spiritual person I knew.  We prayed the Our Father each night before we went to sleep.  He was indeed the shoulder I leaned on and the pillar of strength and comfort when I needed him.

So it is no surprise that I would miss him terribly when the disease took all this away.  Then I was caring for the disease in honor of my dear husband.  I had a plan and did all I could to let him live life to the fullest for as long as possible.  The operative word is "I" -- interesting thought.  Well the word "I" was actually a "we" and I never gave it a thought.  It took some desperate times for me to realize it was we (God carrying me) so I could be there for Dennis.

Now I want you to hear me out!  I am beginning to believe that Dennis died first so I could have everlasting life.  Don't call me 'whacko' just look at it this way.  Dennis served the Lord faithfully.  His faith helped him serve others (not just me) for many years.  He was "right" with his Father!  He could easily hear, "Job well done, my child!"  With me that was not the case.

Without Denny, I now am left with nothing.  But wait a minute!  That's where I am wrong.  I have the Father's love and always have had it.  HE is my strength!  HE is my support!  He is the great comforter!  Now I am slowly cultivating that relationship with a new understanding.  When I embrace the love of God, I have a new sense of peace.  I have nothing to fear!  I can embrace life.  I am blessed to live every day fulfilling God's plan for my life.  As long as I serve others and continue God's work -- the healing will take care of itself.  

Dennis and our Lord are both looking down on me saying,  "Job well done!  You are learning as a child of God who you must serve and who you must put your trust in."  Dennis was my mentor and role model for Christian living.  Now the job is mine to carry on -- so I can have everlasting life.

"Heavenly Father, Into your hand I place my worries, cares and troubles.  Into your wisdome I place my path, my direction and my goal.  Into your love I place my LIFE!"

Eighteen Months Later

Here I am eighteen months after Denny's passing.  I have more good days than bad but the bad ones are my reminder of what was in the past.  Those memories and that unconditional love is what I miss.  But I am also reminded that just as I did when Denny was diagnosed with Alzheimer's -- I can't just look at what I have lost but what has been gained through these experiences and challenges.

As a couple I don't think we were ingenious in our planning for the future.  We were conservative with money and valued family, friends and educational opportunities more than "things".  I once told Denny he had put three people through college:  myself, Scott and Sondra.  On his watch, we all finished our college degrees (bachelor's and master's for me) with no student loans.  That was a huge financial committment but one that neither of us questioned.  At the time, we believed that education was our best investment for the future.

Now I sit in the future!  I have a passion for teaching.  In particular I love working with adults who have underestimated their intellectual abilities and the future that lies in front of them.  In the fall, I thought I would be tutoring at a high school nearby.  The funding fell through for that about the same time I needed to go stay with my brother during his final weeks.  So when I returned, I didn't know what I would do with my time.  I just tried to take it easy (maybe a little too easy).  What was different than in the past, I wasn't overly concerned about the future.  Financially I am comfortable so work for me is more of a gift.  So about 6 weeks ago, while at the movie theater, I get a call and message left to return the call.  That conversation led to me joining a staff who are dedicated to helping high school dropouts complete their high school diplomas. I share this because this chain of events is progress for me.  God had the plan and he put me where I needed to be when I needed to be there.

So in our planning to provide further education for our family, the purpose was that each of us would hopefully be able to work at something we enjoyed!  Passion for learning is part of it as well!  There is something about extending your knowledge (or in my case pulling out the 'old knowledge of math') and feeling part of something meaningful.

Our final big plan together was to build our retirement home!  We knew we wouldn't leave Texas permanently with our kids and grandkids here so we started looking at our options.  We looked at this community for active seniors and Dennis was convinced.  Me -- not so much!  (I didn't want to live with the old folks who were cranky and wouldn't like my grandkids around.)  Well I followed Denny's suggestion and we moved into our lovely home in January 2002.  Five months later Dennis got the diagnosis of Alzheimer's with life expectancy about ten years.  Wham!  What a slap in the face that was!  I was absolutely frozen in fear that I wouldn't be able to stay in this home (financially).  Well, here I am and I know God had a hand in this decision with Dennis.  I couldn't be in a better environment!!  There are no words to describe this community.  It is NOT the house that impresses me so (because it is just a house) but the community makes this a special place to be.  As a widow, I find comfort in the sharing, caring, suppporting and giving personalities that make up this area of 400+ homes.

I have nothing to complain about!  I am financially stable and in a protected secure environment.  I have two wonderful kids and five grandkids who are special in every way!  I love watching their lives evolve and the stages of parenting that come with each age group!  I am hopeful that I will be here to continue being an important part of all their lives for years to come.

But friends and family.. it is lonely at times.. and the sadness comes not in wanting Dennis back with that dreadful disease but a sadness that is my loss of support, encouragement and unconditional love that comes with an investment of years as a married couple committed to one another.  It is my time of being self-centered and thinking of my needs.  But never fear!  I don't allow those times to last long.  With my own perseverence or sometimes the help of a friend --  "I put on my big girl panties and 'suck it up'"!!

I will spend the rest of my life honoring the memory of my loving husband and I will continue to remember that life is for living!  I must move forward in friendships and activities that keep me actively engaged with the wonderful people who appear in my life.  I must and I will remain open to writing a new future!  Just not in any rush.....  As Denny would always say to me, "oh Lin don't worry about all this -- it will work itself out." I was always the serious one and he knew how to relax and enjoy life. It's time I remember how he did it with such ease.

Blessings to all who have shared in my thoughts today.