Eighteen Months Later

Here I am eighteen months after Denny's passing.  I have more good days than bad but the bad ones are my reminder of what was in the past.  Those memories and that unconditional love is what I miss.  But I am also reminded that just as I did when Denny was diagnosed with Alzheimer's -- I can't just look at what I have lost but what has been gained through these experiences and challenges.

As a couple I don't think we were ingenious in our planning for the future.  We were conservative with money and valued family, friends and educational opportunities more than "things".  I once told Denny he had put three people through college:  myself, Scott and Sondra.  On his watch, we all finished our college degrees (bachelor's and master's for me) with no student loans.  That was a huge financial committment but one that neither of us questioned.  At the time, we believed that education was our best investment for the future.

Now I sit in the future!  I have a passion for teaching.  In particular I love working with adults who have underestimated their intellectual abilities and the future that lies in front of them.  In the fall, I thought I would be tutoring at a high school nearby.  The funding fell through for that about the same time I needed to go stay with my brother during his final weeks.  So when I returned, I didn't know what I would do with my time.  I just tried to take it easy (maybe a little too easy).  What was different than in the past, I wasn't overly concerned about the future.  Financially I am comfortable so work for me is more of a gift.  So about 6 weeks ago, while at the movie theater, I get a call and message left to return the call.  That conversation led to me joining a staff who are dedicated to helping high school dropouts complete their high school diplomas. I share this because this chain of events is progress for me.  God had the plan and he put me where I needed to be when I needed to be there.

So in our planning to provide further education for our family, the purpose was that each of us would hopefully be able to work at something we enjoyed!  Passion for learning is part of it as well!  There is something about extending your knowledge (or in my case pulling out the 'old knowledge of math') and feeling part of something meaningful.

Our final big plan together was to build our retirement home!  We knew we wouldn't leave Texas permanently with our kids and grandkids here so we started looking at our options.  We looked at this community for active seniors and Dennis was convinced.  Me -- not so much!  (I didn't want to live with the old folks who were cranky and wouldn't like my grandkids around.)  Well I followed Denny's suggestion and we moved into our lovely home in January 2002.  Five months later Dennis got the diagnosis of Alzheimer's with life expectancy about ten years.  Wham!  What a slap in the face that was!  I was absolutely frozen in fear that I wouldn't be able to stay in this home (financially).  Well, here I am and I know God had a hand in this decision with Dennis.  I couldn't be in a better environment!!  There are no words to describe this community.  It is NOT the house that impresses me so (because it is just a house) but the community makes this a special place to be.  As a widow, I find comfort in the sharing, caring, suppporting and giving personalities that make up this area of 400+ homes.

I have nothing to complain about!  I am financially stable and in a protected secure environment.  I have two wonderful kids and five grandkids who are special in every way!  I love watching their lives evolve and the stages of parenting that come with each age group!  I am hopeful that I will be here to continue being an important part of all their lives for years to come.

But friends and family.. it is lonely at times.. and the sadness comes not in wanting Dennis back with that dreadful disease but a sadness that is my loss of support, encouragement and unconditional love that comes with an investment of years as a married couple committed to one another.  It is my time of being self-centered and thinking of my needs.  But never fear!  I don't allow those times to last long.  With my own perseverence or sometimes the help of a friend --  "I put on my big girl panties and 'suck it up'"!!

I will spend the rest of my life honoring the memory of my loving husband and I will continue to remember that life is for living!  I must move forward in friendships and activities that keep me actively engaged with the wonderful people who appear in my life.  I must and I will remain open to writing a new future!  Just not in any rush.....  As Denny would always say to me, "oh Lin don't worry about all this -- it will work itself out." I was always the serious one and he knew how to relax and enjoy life. It's time I remember how he did it with such ease.

Blessings to all who have shared in my thoughts today.