Beyond Alzheimer's: New Focus for Writing

{Note:  today is my mother's birthday.  Orpha Lorraine Winters Moorman was born in 1932.  Thinking of her today puts a smile on my face.  We shared some difficult challenges but she taught me a great deal about life and survival.... RIP Mama}

It has been a few weeks since I wrote on this blog.  I seem to write less and less.  Not sure why that is happening but I think part of it is that I am more actively involved in life.  Writing for me has been and always be therapeutic.  It seems that when I put my thoughts in words (or at least attempt to) -- it validates what is happening and how I am handling various day-to-day challenges.  Even before Denny was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I would write my deepest thoughts and often share them with him by reading it aloud.  He would just smile and say I don't know how you put all that in words.  Always my sharing brought a hug and an understanding between the two of us that I was letting him "in" to the deepest thoughts of my heart.

Last Monday I attended a Grief Recovery group in our church.  Without sharing the specifics of the group share, I can tell you it was good for me.  It was, as I had guessed it would be, individuals sharing their feelings about grief.  Boxes of kleenexes circled the group!  Stories, emotions, support and encouragement were all part of the 90 minutes.  I spoke briefly about my sorrow but more important I listened.  Grief manifests itself in a wide variety of ways for individuals with varying ages, economics, education, etc.  But listening to grief (other than your own) can be (or at least was for me) an opportunity to set my own grief aside to think of another who was hurting.  I walked out with a renewed sense of purpose in putting my loss in perspective.  

One thing that was shared by the facilitator was "don't hurry so much to get to  Easter Sunday that you miss the pain, sorrow and suffering of Palm Sunday".  Seemed strange until she went on to explain that we should FEEL that sorrow so we could better appreciate the magnitude of the Resurrection.  And she shared seven different times in Jesus life that he was in sorrow and questioned.  The one I remember most vividly was, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  Questioning does not mean we don't believe....

Even before that Grief Recovery meeting, I had started reflecting more vividly on my relationship with God before Dennis illness and definitely before his death.  Oh I went to church and I believed.  I hate to say this but I think I was more of a "pew Catholic".  Before illness, our life was absolutely 'perfect' (at least in my heart).  We had successfully raised our two children and put them through college,  We both loved our careers and loved every minute we spent together.  "Too perfect" .. you might say.  And during these years, Dennis was always the most spiritual person I knew.  We prayed the Our Father each night before we went to sleep.  He was indeed the shoulder I leaned on and the pillar of strength and comfort when I needed him.

So it is no surprise that I would miss him terribly when the disease took all this away.  Then I was caring for the disease in honor of my dear husband.  I had a plan and did all I could to let him live life to the fullest for as long as possible.  The operative word is "I" -- interesting thought.  Well the word "I" was actually a "we" and I never gave it a thought.  It took some desperate times for me to realize it was we (God carrying me) so I could be there for Dennis.

Now I want you to hear me out!  I am beginning to believe that Dennis died first so I could have everlasting life.  Don't call me 'whacko' just look at it this way.  Dennis served the Lord faithfully.  His faith helped him serve others (not just me) for many years.  He was "right" with his Father!  He could easily hear, "Job well done, my child!"  With me that was not the case.

Without Denny, I now am left with nothing.  But wait a minute!  That's where I am wrong.  I have the Father's love and always have had it.  HE is my strength!  HE is my support!  He is the great comforter!  Now I am slowly cultivating that relationship with a new understanding.  When I embrace the love of God, I have a new sense of peace.  I have nothing to fear!  I can embrace life.  I am blessed to live every day fulfilling God's plan for my life.  As long as I serve others and continue God's work -- the healing will take care of itself.  

Dennis and our Lord are both looking down on me saying,  "Job well done!  You are learning as a child of God who you must serve and who you must put your trust in."  Dennis was my mentor and role model for Christian living.  Now the job is mine to carry on -- so I can have everlasting life.

"Heavenly Father, Into your hand I place my worries, cares and troubles.  Into your wisdome I place my path, my direction and my goal.  Into your love I place my LIFE!"