Along with many other words of advise and counsel, I have heard it said that to drive down the street with your attention focused solely on the rear view mirror would be a disaster. I now realize that with grief -- I have had a "death grip" on the past and what is lost regarding my life with Dennis. A decision had to be made whether to stay in that grief, or move forward. Moving on for me does not mean grief has suddenly disappeared. It does however mean that I will use that past to build a "new" future. [I have no idea what that means or how that will look but I know I must!]
My prayer to the heavenly Father is...
"Lord God, You are my only hope. I do not want to forget the past, but I cannot live there any longer."
A series of events have taken me from the reclusive state of withdawing to a sincere desire to embrace community: meaning family, church, neighbors, friends and total strangers.
First, there was the Presbyterian Pilgrimage I attended on our wedding anniversary February 7th. (No I am not Presbyterian but all Christians were welcome.) I went into that weekend with only one thing in mind -- to find peace within myself and open myself to community (complete strangers). I never expected the incredible experience of love in a community of Christians like I did that weekend. I knew then the isolation "wall" was broken. I cried like a baby all that weekend but they were more tears of joy and relief (that accompanied the sorrow).
Then I opened myself to taking a Church History course to open myself once again to the teachings and history of my faith. At that class, I met a soon-to-be new friend who invited me to attend the Grief Recovery sessions in evenings at the church. Even I wasn't keen on the idea, I told myself to keep moving forward in the community. And in that first session, I left with an entirely new perspective. I had met a young widow (only 29 with three small children). I met a woman who lost her teenage daughter to cancer. And then of course there widows like myself who were older and grieving the loss of our lifetime partner. I have another friend outside this group whose daughter committed suicide due to bullying. And the director of the Credit Recovery Program I work with lost his wife just recently from an unexpected heart attack. Looking at my grief, I am reminded that I had 41 years of marriage and dated Dennis for seven years. We had almost 50 years together and were able to see our children grown and grandchildren born. We lived life to the fullest in that we were committed to one another and to whatever challenges were to come. We were united in our faith and love for the Heavenly Father who in return provided us with the unconditional love that sustains a Christian marriage.
I have a lovely neighbor who reminds me of Betty White (personality, witt, humor and wisdom)! But when you live to be in your 80's - those are the gifts that we collect along the way (if we are blessed). Dear sweet Beverly has been unrelentless in encouraging and nudging me to join in our community activities/events. I was not going because I felt out of place. She has helped me find a new perspective about our wonderful neighborhood community of active seniors. With her insistance -- I have made myself attend events even when I wasn't so sure I wanted to be there. I have learned to ask neighborhood friend's husbands to "save me a dance". [Oh how I miss my dance partner -- "he was the best!"] Now I am looking forward to our next event which is Cinco de Mayo. I am meeting new friends and getting reacqainted with some from when Denny was with me.
Our priest at church has been an incredible support. I have gone to him on more than one occasion for over a year and told him how I struggled with going to church. I think I went almost a year with only a hit and miss mass on occasion. With losing Denny and then 13 months later my brother Milt (age 53 colon cancer), I wasn't sure I wanted to be in church anywhere. Oh I assured Father James that I was in daily dialogue with our Lord but I wasn't comfortable visiting church. I couldn't bare to see couples in the pews where Dennis and I sat together. Father James listened with interest. He did not chastise me for not being in regular attendance at mass but instead counseled me to readings, resources and prayers. And so it was the Saturday before holy week, I went to confession for the first time in years. I knew I wanted to embrace holy week in the good graces of our Lord. And guess who was hearing confessions? My dear Father James! (Thank you Jesus)
I had plans to travel to Austin for Easter with Scott and his family. While talking with Melissa, I asked what the plans were for Easter Sunday (so I would know what to pack). She shocked me when she said we would all attend Catholic mass nearby. (She and Scott do not attend the Catholic church so I assumed we would attend their church. And folks this was a "God thing"... they had no idea what this meant to me. Having family beside me at mass is a rare occasion." By the way, the services at St Catherine's in Austin were a joy!)
Father James contacted me a week ago to look into starting a ministry at our church for caregivers and individuals facing the challenges of dementia. Dennis attended these meetings at least five times a month throughout the Houston area and found them to be a great resource of caring and supportive individuals. He had no idea (or maybe he did ..ha) that I had such a strong connection with this program. So I have already recruited my co-partner (the lady I met at the Church history class "also a widow") to help with the organization and recruitment to get this in place for the fall. When I called the Interfaith Care Partners office, it was such a joy when the lady said, "Oh Mrs. Shippey --- it is so good to hear from you. How are you doing?" I have created a brochure for recruitment and hope to find individuals to make this happen. The need is GREAT!
And finally, I leave Wednesday to be part of the team of Planca Cha's (worker bees) who will be the behind the scenes workers who create an environment of love and support for the upcoming Presbyterian Pilgrimage #70. My pilgrimage was HPP #69. I wanted to be part of this program and give back to support this loving Christian experience for the next group of participants. We are going to Palacios, Texas to the Baptist Encampment.
Can't close out this blog with reminding you that I work 20 hours a week teaching high school dropouts. I work Mon-Thurs 11-3:50. It is one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever had. These young adults give me more than I ever give them. They teach me about myself. Nothing is perfect but serving youth is a great way to reach way into the future past my days here on this earth.
I started this post with the title "Looking Beyond the Past" because I am finally starting to look forward. Community and service have taken me outside my grief to rejoin the living. In some sad way I think I was clinging to grief because I didn't want to let go of Denny ... but I now understand I can never lose him. I still miss him and always will. When I look into the eyes of our children and grandchildren, I am reminded of his love and I know he is with us.
So here I am Lord. I will continue to carry on our legacy of being good parents and grandparents. And I will serve the community in any way I can to bring faith, hope and love to those who are in need. I will serve you for the all the days of my life. Amen
