Filling the "hole"

Filling the “hole”...

When Denny first passed away, there was a busy time with lots of people who were available with their hugs and condolences.  But as with all good things – that would end and life would resume to “normal”.  But for me there was no normal.  I had to create a new “normal”.  I had no idea what that would be or how it would look and feel.  To be quite honest --- I could have cared less about even creating a new normal but it has evolved with time.

The “hole” I speak of is that place in my heart (and soul) where Dennis filled me with unconditional love, comfort, support, encouragement and more.  With him the days of low esteem and no confidence had pretty much disappeared.  Life was good even with dementia (until the last year).  We made adjustments to living and denial became our constant companion.

With his death, that ‘hole’ was profound.  I wanted desperately to be held (as he would do)!  I wanted someone to tell me I was loved (as he would do)!  I wanted a constant companion (as he was)!  I was looking for someone to fill that spot.  It is at a time like this when widows and widowers could easily fall into the arms of an available friend for that void….to find out later it was not the answer.  For me there was no one to “hang on” or cling to.  Desperately in sorrow, I took an emotional path of darkness.  Emotionally I shut out others!  After all, I didn’t want them to know the depths of my sorrow.  I didn’t want to hear them give the cliché words of encouragement as they went home to husbands or boyfriends.  I knew I wasn’t the first woman to lose my husband.  I just wanted to deal with this alone.

I wanted to analyze my feelings.  I wanted to self -help my way through sorrow.  After all, I was an educated woman with a Master’s degree.  I could handle this privately!  Well as Dr. Phil would say, “How was that working for you?”  It didn’t!  It was an absolute disaster.  My grief was compounded by my closing out family and friends.  I couldn’t make myself go to church, social events or any activity that involved couples. 

The “hole” was certainly God’s plan – not mine!  With that “hole”, I was broken and searching.  I searched all the worldly resources and intellectual exchanges that should have helped.  God was smiling thinking to himself … “give her time!”  Without my dearly departed husband, the void that I felt could be filled by only one thing – FAITH – and one love – GOD!  Through Him, with Him and in Him are the answers to any of life’s challenges.  That profoundly new to my psyche because I thought Denny and I were the ones navigating life with our spiritual strength.  We were showing God how strong we were and how committed we were to each other, family and friends. 

Using a swimming metaphor, I will say that I swam very poorly when I met Dennis.  With him, I received the swim wings that would never let me drown.  Along with the wings, he was always by my side smiling.  When God took him to Heaven, my smiling husband was no longer in sight.  The little wings had sprung a leak.  I was floundering thinking I would drown for what seemed forever!  Then slowly I got control of the out of control movement and relaxed to find that I could float.  And soon I would learn to swim on my own!! 

Now 21 months later, embracing the path of faith is slowly "filling the hole”.  Relationships with family members and friends have been enriched by my desire to love, comfort, and support others.  With this outreach, I have found comfort and healing.  I can truly embrace the saying, “It’s not about ME!  It’s about YOU!”  I am a work in progress with the operable word being progress...and I am progressing in faith.