Celebration of Life

When at the Cottage the morning of August 31, 2011, we walked into the room where Denny had spent the last 9 months of his life.  There laid his lifeless body.  Soon we were notified the funeral home had arrived to take the body.  We were given a few minutes then in walked a handsome young man who said quietly, "He was my Coach."  Not recognizing this person, I was questioning and he was forthcoming with a story that comforted all of us.

It seems that he (can't remember his name) had been coached by Dennis as a youngster in summer league.  He didn't go to Dobie but he never forgot Denny's approach to coaching (and life).  He said I always admired Coach...so much so that now I have a little girl who swims.  She will get frustrated when she doesn't think she did well in competition.  I will look at her and bring back those old familiar words from Coach, "Did you do your best?  And if you did ... you are already a winner. If not just get it right the next time."  We chatted for a bit and shared stories that definitely lifted the spirits of everyone in that room.

When we all left the Cottage for the drive home, I reflected on references in the Bible that our body is a vessel.  Never was that more evident that when I saw Denny's lifeless body.  The man I loved and cherished for almost 47 years was gone.  His body was all that remained.  It was in that thought that I came to a much deeper understanding that our bodies are how we recognize one another and engage in human contact.  But it is the spirit of that person (their soul, their personna, their connection) that we love so much.  I don't know that I can adequately explain the feeling I had in that moment but it was all consuming.

Scott and I went about the day making various arrangements at the funeral home, at the church and looking carefully at how to celebrate Dennis' life.  When everything seemed to come together, Scott said, "I am amazed at how calm and smooth this day has been.  But Mom I guess you have had ten years to think about this day and what you wanted to do."  I assured him that was indeed true.

Grief during those first few days was held at bay. I chose to be thankful for God's mercy in taking Dennis.  Dennis had already passed long before -- in the end we were caring for and managing a disease of dementia.  Arrangements were made to have my siblings fly in for Denny's service.  Because he was being cremated, we chose to hold the service the weekend after Labor Day.  The timing of all that seemed to work out best for everyone.

I live in an active seniors community and the support of those neighbors was incredible not only at the time of Denny's passing but throughout the ten years. Soon after the diagnosis, I was open to neighbors regarding Dennis condition.  From that time on, he was everyone's 'favorite' as they kept out an eye for him and his safety.  So it was no surprise when I got a knock on the door -- a good friend (and neighbor) stopped by to say she would take care of all arrangements for a luncheon after our service.  What an incredible gift it was in that moment to be able to let go of any thoughts regarding those details.  She arranged with the 'church ladies' for food and even networked with the school district for using the cafeteria at the high school when Dennis coached over 30 years.

After a few days, Scott returned home to his family and I was for the first time ... alone.  It didn't take long for the tears to fall.  I decided to cover our dining room table with loads of pictures to capture this wonderful man's life.  As I took the pictures out tears accompanied the placement of each.  At one point I was laying on the floor crying softly to release some of the sorrow.  I continued this placement of pictures until the table was full.  The tears came in waves of relief, sorrow and great loss.  I went to sleep that night totally exhausted.  Waking the next morning I paused at that table with a new awareness.  By putting those pictures out, I came to the realization I was grieving the loss of my husband before Alzheimer's.  I had been so busy caring for him with dementia that I had no time to even look back at the man he used to be.  So the tears were meant to be... but they were not of his passing on August 31 so much ...as they were of missing my one true love and the journey we shared from the time I was 15 years old.  

And so it was that we celebrated Denny's life.  It was exactly what he would have wanted.  Longtime friends did the readings at mass.  Our favorite priest and deacon were on board for the celebration!  A longtime swim parent (Mr. Richmond) spent countless hours making a dvd of pictures to commemorate Denny's life from childhood. That display of pictures and music of spiritual celebration was shown both at the church and at the luncheon.  The night of the Rosary, our son and daughter both spoke of their father and the impact he had on their lives.  It was extremely touching when Sondra shared stories of childhood incidents where her dad gave her comfort.  She remembered hiding behind his legs knowing he was her protector.

Before the Vigil started, I had a tense conversation with our oldest grandson.  Ian was particularly close to Grandpa.  He wasn't particular fond of or "into" the whole religious ceremony stuff.  I just asked that he respect our way of celebrating.  So it was with great surprise when Scott and Sondra finished speaking and an invitation was given for others who may want to speak -- Ian walked to the podium.  I remember my heart racing in concern.  None of us knew he was going to speak.  I cannot begin to tell you the words he spoke but they were heartfelt, full of love, to the point and made his grandpa (and me) proud.  All I could think was WOW!  His message in that moment was a gift.  I thought I had planned every detail but that was nothing that I had a hand in.  So many in attendance praised Ian's message and were impressed he spoke a message of great admiration for grandpa.

The next day we had the full mass.  Family friends did the readings and at the end, it was Denny's best friend Bruce who gave a most personal eulogy to his buddy that dated back to the days of youth swimming in Iowa up to the final years of his life.  He brought a message of the impact Denny had on many lives by demonstrating his love for God, family, community and swimming.  In addition to that, one of Denny's former students gave a heartfelt tribute to the Coach on behalf of all swimmers and swim parents.  Closing mass with these personal memories helped bring to life of unselfish service to others.

There were more than 200 in attendance.  Father had all those in attendance to stand if Dennis was their coach (large numbers stood who were in their 40s).  It was amazing to see that after many years, these swimmers who now had careers and families of their own were so touched by his life that they were in attendance to honor Coach this one last time.

At the luncheon, I think the comment I heard most was what a beautiful celebration it had been.  We had successfully found the balance of laughter that happiness that overshadowed much of the sorrow.  That was our tribute to Dennis and a life well lived.